| I can't quite get a grip on how different the world looks every day.
My eyes see differently depending on which metaphorical side of the bed I wake up on.
Right now (and I mean literally right now) the world looks dark and hopeless.
But I know the world is a beautiful bright place lit by a continuous (again metaphorical) sunrise.
Love. |
| |
| I'm a real human being. I feel more emotions than I'd like some time. I don't know how to become what I really want to become and I don't even know what I want to become and so I am in a constant state of disrepair. I love the best I can and sometimes I think I do it right.
Sometimes I am a Christian and sometimes I'm not, but something about Jesus is undeniably bound to the way I live, love, and think...and I'm trying to find out just what that means for the way I experience this so-called life.
I'll probably fall in and out of love with you and never tell you. I'm painfully afraid of being rejected and thus I have been blessed with a large amount of friends who are women.
I am a 23 year old man who is learning to be an adult and pay bills and work and do things I don't want to do but have to.
I love the people around me, but sometimes I push them away and isolate myself. I hate this about myself and I need help with it. I have trouble communicating. Sometimes I'll call too much and sometimes I won't call at all.
I love who I am and who I'm becoming but I'm also painfully afraid I'll end up not amounting to anything.
I don't know where I'll be in six months.
|
| |
| cannabis > alcohol
i'm not handling the emotional after effects of this day of drinking very well.
lets just talk about the good things that happened today in order to make me feel better about my life.
-i woke up.
-i listened to bitch hog.
-my music wasn't deleted even though it first seemed so.
-i drew and wrote at starbucks for a bit.
-i got to hang out with tyler and michael.
-i got to hang out some more with tyler and michael.
-it rained.
-i smoked weed.
-we went to chattanooga and i got to spend time with my favorite person, brittni.
-me, michael, tyler, brittni, julie swam after watching nick cannon on tv.
-barret joined in and i love that son of a bitch.
-we went to taco mac and i enjoyed the hell out of a kenmore.
-i took a picture of my penis and sent it to tyler's phone.
-i drank more jack daniels than the average person does in a day.
-we went to see pineapple express and casey's basically married ass showed up.
-it was spectacularly funny.
-the best human being that is breathing showed up, jonathan.
-we laughed our butts off.
-we went back to rachel and them's apt and danced to girl talk.
-gabrielle and kendra magically appeared...crazy.
-night time swimming is the jam.
but somehow. I can only think about my shortcomings and how my life is going no where right now. somehow, everything around me reminds me that i'm painfully alone and don't know how or if i should even try to fix the situation.
god, my god, what a world you love. |
| |
| Today I feel a lot less hope.
I'm not sad about stupid insecurity things or bull shit about girls...because this stuff doesn't even matter. I'm nothing in the grand scheme. I just wish that I could make some sort of grand change in this massive machine of humanity and existence. It just seems that humanity is destroying itself and the world for its own gain (read: China v. Africa).
I mean, I hope for change in the United States or something but in the end doesn't it just boil down to be being the most comfortable? I talk and talk and talk of change and hope and the future, but the future is going to be the future regardless of what I do, I am a speck of dust in the cosmos, life seems absurd. Turn on the TV and you see the absurd. How can we have a True Life: I'm in Debt and then hundreds of thousands of people murdering each other with Chinese AK-47s.
The Chinese are people just like we are people. It's just that someone is finally saying and doing things without giving a shit about pretending to care...
I don't know. Its just hard not to give up and sit in front of a television and escape reality for the rest of my life because if I can't make a change or help then why even get out of bed?
China rapes Africa.
PS: Don't ever do drugs. |
| |
| Soon.
|
| |
